he loves me, he loves me not

I love love.   I love when people fall madly, crazy head over heels in love. I love when people take a risk to chase love.  I love when people make plans on a whim in the spirit of fun and love. This week I was reminded how much I love this feeling when a co-worker decided to quit his (very good) job, sell his goods (home included) and move to the other side of the world for l.o.v.e. Breaking convention and going for it.  Totes. amaze. 

I'm a fan of all of the above because it's in my nature to change my environment often - other than my dog, my longest commitment was 4 years. I've never lived in a place longer than that, had a home longer than that, a car or a significant other.  I bore quickly and I love a challenge.  I love someone that calls me on my shit and that will always make me laugh.

I'm always on the quest to ensure my ongoing happiness is maintained, which is not to be confused with always searching for happiness. I'm not looking to settle. I don't think I'm unrealistic or in denial.  I know 'they' say you're not suppose to have your cake and eat it too, but really - why buy the god damn cake if you're not going to shove it in your face?

Crazy in love + a lifetime = super moist cake with thick icing.  Yep, one large piece right here, please!

(legal disclaimer: this is not a personal advert)

eyes wide open

This morning on my way to work, I was trying to turn left off of Yonge Street onto the side street where I park everyday.   This is no easy task at 8:30am when the sidewalks are swarmed with human bodies and the lane you're trying to cross is lined with traffic.

When there was finally a gap in the cars, I faced my second blockade - all the pedestrians were walking with heads down, staring at their feet and ipods fastened to their ears. But, there was one sweet little boy, probably 9 or 10 yrs old, that stopped. He pulled out his earphones, looked at me and waited...while all the adults kept walking.  I looked at him and smiled.  It was a moment - 2 seconds, no more - where I felt like he knew I was grateful, not so much for the brief pause in his step, but his wherewithal to demonstrate a greater courtesy among his adult peers.

That impacted me all day today.  

So, here's to the kids that give us hope, have direction and compassion for their world around them - whether it's a tiny Toronto street corner or beyond.

sweet bird of youth

I'm in Ottawa hanging out with my niece and nephew for the last few days while their parents are in Paris and London.  It's actually my favourite thing to just hang with the two of them solo. We've had an action packed weekend of glow-in-the-dark mini putt, hours of Rock Band, movies, watching vids on YouTube, making pizza, walking the dogs, working out to my DVDs and just being plain stupid and funny.  They really couldn't have picked a more immature aunt if they tried.  So, it's been jackpot good times for all of us.

But lately when I'm around them, even though I'm living in the moment, I can't help but wonder what bits of this time in their life they'll remember most.  When I think of my life at 10 and 13 there is very little I can remember, which is kind of sad - knowing they won't look back on the finer details of weekends like this, in the way I will.  

In my life, when I was their age, it would have been 1985 - 1987 and I'm pretty sure I was doing exactly what they were doing right here.  Dancing with all my heart to music, specifically Michael Jackson.  Albeit the technology has and will change in this setting, but the feeling of being youthful and spontaneous is consistent.  My one hope is that they remain youthful throughout life and remember to live as free and happy as they are in this one tiny moment.

So, here's to their fun collection of memories that will hopefully sum it up as one big amazing experience.

sigh

I had two different conversations today, with two different people but they both ended up in the same place. The energy and power of love and hate. I believe in human energy, it's impossible not to believe in it because when you (rarely) share it with someone it is electrifying.

My point was this: love is easy, free, remarkable and insane fun. When you're in it, it's a moment and it requires zero energy.  And hate...well, it is exhaustive, useless, pointless and depletes all good energy.  So, why do we work so hard to hate, when we all just want to be loved. 

one flew over the cuckoo's nest

Last night the doorbell rang; such a foreign sound.  Who randomly drops by anymore without warning? Unheard of and almost insulting, yes? Or perhaps I'm just a crusty cow. I knew it couldn't have been the gaylords because if they want me they just yell up or ring the bell incessantly.

So, with Diggers savagely barking behind me, I opened the door and there he was...the sweetest most endearing face.  He was a young man in his early 20s wearing a CAMH shirt and holding a clipboard. Ah, the sweet purity of door-to-door marketing.  Just as archaic as the doorbell-ring itself.  His name was Mark and by all accounts appeared "normal", if you don't count his wide-open eyes full of expressive enthusiasm for the topic at hand - the people that live in the CAMH hospital.  Normally my 'go-to' would be to immediately tell him "no, thank you" or "can you leave me some information?", but I wanted to listen to what he had to say.  Why?  1) I'll spend hours listening to someone talk passionately about something they believe in and 2) because crazy people hold a special place in my heart and 3) I know and love(d) people with mental illness.    

Ironically, his little speech was in reference to the huge stigma against people with mental illness and addictions, so I probably shouldn't throw around the word "crazy" so loosely.  But if you know me, you know I mean it in the most endearing way.  Because hell, on some level, we're all crazy.  In fact, if you look up 'crazy' in the dictionary it's defined as "mentally strange". I rest my case. But, we just need a greater understanding for those that can't control it. Moral of the story: whether people are labeled as small crazy, medium crazy or large crazy - they all have one thing in common.  They make the world a more poetic, artistic and interesting place.

So, for Mark, I'd like extend his door-to-door message to you. 

Empathize. Don't Criticize.

love is in the air

Good morning! Welcome to my monthly PMS post, where you never know what emotion you're going to get. And since you're friends, I'll warn you. Sappy. That's what you got right here, right now.

I just finished working out, checked email and started to surf (morning procrastination ritual). I came across this image and it made me stop, albeit momentarily.

It wasn't so much the photo, but it was more the moment itself. A tiny moment where (staged or not...and I'm really hoping it's not) these two are so in love that they stopped in a crowd to share a mutual energy. And my favourite part, his hand preparing to caress her neck or face.

'Outsider perspective' can be a very schizophrenic thing - when you're in the throws of PMS. Today, I look at these two and feel longing for a similar moment and I feel happy to have witnessed their love. Try showing me this picture next month and let's see what happens. Warning: Stay Back.

to see lots of enviable love, you should go here.

secret, secret ...I got a secret

If you've never heard of Post Secret, you must take the time to check it out and buy one of the books in the series. It might be the most thought-provoking piece of literature you've ever read. A collection of postcards, with anonymous secrets from real people. Some of these secrets are simple and funny; some are so dark that you almost feel guilty for now having privileged access to knowing it.  And my secret?  I first discovered this book over 2 years ago, while spending some quality time in my friend Kelly's bathroom - ahem...it was part of the bathroom decor.  I was captivated. We all have secrets, sometimes we don't even know we have them because they're one of the millions of thoughts in our head - daily, weekly, maybe even hourly. And if it stays only in your head, is it ever real? 

Sure, there are gossip-type secrets which, let's face it, aren't really secrets at all.  But these confessions are the purest secrets you'll ever have the opportunity to indulge in.

This week, my friend Ali sent along a forwarded email called "Thoughts" and, like you, I usually hate getting forwarded jokes and chain letters.  But after almost deleting it tonight (my secret #2), I took a moment to read it.  It immediately reminded me of Post Secret, but a little on the lighter side.  Friends, I'm pretty sure we share 90% of these secrets too.

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
  
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  
• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
  
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  
• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
  
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
  
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! 
  
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.  
  
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  
• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
  
• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
  
• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. 
  
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  
• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. 
  
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

ps - the best part of Post Secret? the funds from the books go to charity, specifically suicide hotlines.