green with envy

I realized today that I never feel jealousy or envy for another human being. Ever. 

Except in case of running. 

I don't look at people and compare material goods and feel jealous that they have nicer homes, cars or clothes.  I never feel like I dislike someone because they are beautiful and perhaps seem to have 'it all'.   And when I witness remarkable acts of pure love in relationships, I never feel a longing or envy for it in my own life.

But today was the Scotiabank Waterfront Marathon here in Toronto.  Traffic was nuts because so many streets were shut down.  And that's when I felt it - pure, green envy to be one of those runners.  The irreplaceable feeling at the beginning of a start line, the pride, anxiety and fear. The sound of all the sneaks pounding on the pavement underneath our feet.  Passing kids on the sidelines holding signs that say, "go mommy, we love you".  The incredible inner strength that builds over every step in every kilometer.  Pure Envy.  Whether they were running the 10km, Half Marathon or Full, I just hope they realized how lucky the are to be able to participate. 

I'm still dealing with the nerve damage in my foot almost 3 years later now after the Chi-town Marathon.  Sure, I can go out for a 5, 6 or 7km run but it's not like it used to be.  I'm always conscious of every step and it's so very tough to release my mind in the way I used to. I want to run.  I miss it in the same way you'd miss family if you moved away from home for the the first time.  I'm homesick for running.

After physio, metatarsal lifts and orthodics, today made me realize that it might be time to go under the knife.  I need you, running.  There, I admitted it.

and as a huge PS - congrats to my dear friend Brendan Jeffries who ran his very first Half Marathon today in Saint John, New Brunswick in 1:47.  Amazing run time!