now I lay me down to sleep...

From the ripe ole age of 9, I decided I wanted to be catholic.  Little did I know the lifelong implications that would come with this decision.  You see, my mom was catholic, but my dad, my brother and I were protestant.  But in grade 3, way too many of my friends were catholic and I felt left out. So with the wave of a regilious magic wand, I became a catholic.  And ever since that day, the guilt is ingrained within my veins.  

I feel guilty if I'm blessed, guilty if I'm grateful, guilty if I have money, guilty when I feel healthy, guilty sometimes for just simply being happy. Luckily years ago, I've let go of the guilt that was associated with having sex out of wedlock...talk about freedom since the day I made that decision!  It was almost becoming crippling.  Until, I let it go.

This week I've decided to release more of this guilt.  And while it feels good, it's also fearful worrying about when the lightening is going to strike.  Life has been good to me, some years better than others.  This is a good year.  But it doesn't come for free.  A lot of hard work, belief and faith goes into the things I want...sometimes I don't even realize how much.  But I do think with so much grief and poverty in the world, it's hard to wonder why some of us have so many more 'blessings', while other good people hardly have one simple blessing in a lifetime.  It seems unfair (hence, the guilt). But I also know this goes beyond my own little catholic bubble. I've had girlfriends that worried about having a second or third child because the first was so great that a curse would ensue by having more kids. But in our very short span of living, shouldn't we all want for more?   And if we get it, shouldn't we share it?  We're told at a very young age that we need to share with our others.  So when we have good things like - healthy, money and wellness - share it with those that have less.

At this middle stage in life, it's time my guilt was replaced with giving.